The Pain of Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow
by debbieroe
Summary: Yesterday their world changed forever and now they are left shattered, broken, and consumed by pain


"Kate. Kate. It's time to get up." There was no answer from his silent wife as she faced away from him on the bed. He slowly swept his hand up and down her back hoping to get a response from her whether it was verbal or physical. He needed her. He needed her to be all right, to be with him. He couldn't do this alone and he certainly did not want her to try to either.

"Kate, please." He didn't want to push her but they didn't have a lot of time before they had to leave. He rolled over to her slowly as to not frighten her with any sudden movements. Reaching around her, he grabbed her and pulled her as close to himself as physically possible. He laid his hands gently on her stomach, hoping the gesture would express all the emotions he failed to convey with his words.

Immediately, a weak whimper was heard escaping from Kate's lips. Then a slightly more audible one followed. As he lifted his head to kiss her cheek, he was met with wetness only tears could have caused. Leaving one hand on her stomach, he moved the other to wipe the remaining tears from her face as tenderly as he could.

"Caa-aastle," Kate stuttered while fighting off the tears and emotions that flooded her system. She turned to face him, finally allowing herself to look him in the eyes for the first time since the previous morning. She grimaced barely noticeably as her body reminded her of what had occurred the day before. "Castle, I can't. I just can't do this."

Never before had Castle seen his wife filled with such excruciating pain and suffering. Between her mother's murder and all of their various near death experiences, nothing seemed to be as agonizing as their situation now. He knew that she entirely blamed herself and he wanted to do everything in his power to convince her otherwise. The blame would destroy her if she continued to let it seep into every corner of her body. He needed to take his own part in this and show her that they were in this together, always.

"I'm here with you. Don't shut me out. Please, let us do this together. I need you today." He was pleading with her still not knowing exactly what he could say to her while the wounds were entirely too fresh. Soon, it was his tears that joined hers as he leaned forward until their foreheads brushed together. Their eyes still locked, their hands now joined, he lovingly brought his lips to hers in a last attempt to both comfort her and convince her to stand by his side today and always. The kiss didn't last long but the emotions that flooded forth from one to the other spoke more than words ever could.

"God, Castle, why? Why did this have to happen to us?" She was still in a state of disbelief, not wanting to accept the painful truth that would haunt them both forever. "Please, Castle. Give me an answer! Why us? I need to know!"

Lifting his hand up to cup her cheek, he began to speak, "I wish I had an answer. I wish more than anything that this didn't happen to us. Kate, I wish so much right now."

As quickly as she could manage in her state, she turned back over so she was once again facing away from him. She tried to stifle the tears as she managed to cry out, "How can you even look at me right now? How do you not hate me with every ounce of life inside you? I don't deserve to be your wife. I don't deserve you."

He pulled on her shoulder forcing her to face him. "Don't you dare say that! I am not letting you take the blame for this and I am not letting you put yourself down like this. This could've happened to anyone."

She interrupted him, not wanting to hear the rest, "Well it didn't just happen to anyone, it happened to us!"

"Kate, please stop. Stop blaming yourself for something you had no control over."

Ignoring the pain, she sat up and yelled, "No control? Are you kidding me? She was inside me for 7 whole months! She came early because I was adamant about working until the very end. Don't you understand? It was my job to protect her for 9 months and I couldn't even do that. She is gone because of me, because of my irrational obsession with my job."

Castle couldn't bear to listen to her any longer. He got up and silently went to the en-suite to shower. Kate let the sound of the water trickling out engulf her mind and calm her down. She immediately snapped out of it as she tried to get up and was met with intense pain. She winced and let out a very soft cry. She almost liked the pain she was feeling in her body as it was a punishment for her failure, for her neglect, and now for her loss. She was to blame and this was the punishment sent personally to her from the universe.

Castle walked into an empty bedroom after his shower. As he left the room he could hear some faint sobs from the upstairs. Looking through the doorway he found Kate on the floor of the nursery holding a stuffed baby elephant.

"I'm so sorry, Castle. I'm so sorry."

He rushed over and sat on the floor beside her allowing her head to lean on his shoulder. "Kate, please stop blaming yourself. We need to do this together. We made her together, brought her into this world together, heard her wonderfully cry together, and watched her take her last breath together. Now we must say goodbye together."

Silence followed as they both attempted to internalize what they had to do that day.

"Ok, Rick. Let's go say goodbye."


End file.
